CARRY ON cutting my wrists
Was it the flutter of your eyelashes
Like a thousand doves taking flight
That drew them to you, mercilessly
Or was it the sweet nothingness that you whispered in their ears
Was it your touch on their flesh
Like ripples on a stream
Or possibly the fierce kisses
That led them willingly to your gallows
Did they run their hands through your hair
Like their necks through the hang mans loop
Did they slip their tongues between your teeth
Like their necks on the executioners block
Dig you tuck your face into their necks and kiss their throats
Like the snakes deadly bite
Did you dig you finger nails into their backs
Like the poison injection
Was it your sweet musky smell
The bitter smell of death
Or was it your little cries and moans
That took them six feet under
How did you send them all to undertaker
In their black suits and red ties
Is that all I am to you
Another funeral to crash
Was it was your wishes
That I pin myself to your wall
With the hunting knife through my stomach
I wonder how many boys you did this to
The Misfit Prince
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
hehe, thankies, yeh this if the second draft, the first i posted on poetshaven in the Straight Jacket Romance trio Vol1, it was the best there =D
Ethan
I can't believe you're 14!I thought you were older, you're wise beyond your years. I wasn't half as good as this when I was your age. You rock. I'd add question marks though,and an apostophe for snakes. (One snake, or many snakes?)I love the image of the gallows. Hey, is this on poetshaven? Or have you just reused the last two lines form something else?
Anyway, that was great.The enjambment and teh imagery both rock.
i dont see where it said 'slip ones neck between an executioners block', i see the fac that executioners have axes or a sharp instrument, and that you have to slip your neck between the two for the process to continue. And im kinda fond of the original title on there, its still there because the main ones only to not put people off.
Ok, much less cliche then I expected.
However, this needs some major work. The first glaring thing I noticed was punctuation I'll edit in a link to Claw's wonderful article on this subject.
Following that, your repetition of 'neck' got tedious and burdensome.
Oh, and some of your similes made no sense at all. How does one slip one's neck between an executioner's block? -confused-
Anyway, cover these things [and edit out the old title -- it's still on the top] and this will be the better for it.
~Ed
the title is changed XD
thankies author 13 =)
hopefully thatll not put so many people off
XD
EsKiMo EtHaN
http://misfitprince.bebo.com
This title just made me not want to read it.
That may sound presumptious, but it's the truth.
I actually liked this very much. I saw it when it was first posted, but I 'm so friggin' tired of suicide and wrist cutting and all that jazz poems on here that I didn't open it until now.
But, this was refreshingly not a retarded suidine poem--but my only crit would be to change the name. That's going to instantly turn people away (I am living proof haha).
Good job though!
WM
This is an excellent, very very intense poem. Kudos to you.
I'm sorry, but I can't think of much else to say but that.
Muffin
Bitter, hurt, pain, nice. Perhaps I like gore too much but I love the end. It just reminds me of a black widow. If you ever concidered changing your title thats what it should be.
oooooooh, thankies. =D
im gnna add some question marks to it, that should, make it better
thanks everyoneXD
EsKiMo EtHaN
The imagery in this was definitely very, very strong. At first, looking at the title I supposed that this would be very cliche and unoriginal, but I'm happy to be wrong. The only thing I have to say is that maybe some form of punctuation might have helped it flow along a wee bit better, but as it was, this was definitely good!
this is really good! i didn't think i'd like it so much. this is brilliant! fantastic!
Wow, I liked this one. Didn't think I was going to, but there you go.
I like the tone - questioning and bitter. Works well. Your imagery was also really vivid and powerful, which was what made the poem for me.
I think you need to have a think about punctuation. Do you want question marks in there? Some of the lines feel flat because you don't have any punctuation, but at the same time too many question marks would make the poem too choppy. Try some form of punctuation though, it'll help the poem flow better.
You seem to have a lot of adjectives in here, try thinking about each one, because it clutters your poem and weakens it. Do you really need them all? I think much of your imagery is strong enough without them.
Also I'm not too sure if you want the last line italicised - it seems powerful enough on its on, I don't think you need to stress it any more.
Well, I really liked this poem. Brilliant work.